It was the silliest and simplest of quotes that was my ah-ha moment earlier this year.
“I’m the girl who listens to gangster rap … on her way to the farmer’s market after yoga”
It spoke to me. Not only because it’s 100% true for me but because it’s showing that we can be both things, or all things, at the same time. Just because I eat organic food and read self-help books doesn’t mean I don’t equally enjoy drinking (non-organic) wine and watching trashy reality TV.
This is obvious (and automatic) to some, but not to me. It’s becoming much clearer but shit, it’s taken a long time to get here.
I think this stems way back, as most things do, to my younger years. It’s almost as if my whole life has been about trying to fit in. All throughout my school years, I had on and off trouble with friends. At times I was not invited to certain events, I was teased, “friends” even made games of deliberately leaving me out. I was made fun of, so I clung to close friends, most of who ended up leaving me behind as well.
It’s no wonder it left scars.
I think it’s why my whole adult life, I’ve been searching for a safe community. A group that I truly fit in with, that really SEES me. And if I have to change a little to fit in, then that’s what I have to do. But that hasn’t necessary worked. And if it has, it hasn’t felt as good as I had hoped.
The problem is I’ve been looking outwards when I need to be focused in.
And how can anyone see me if I’m not being all of me?
“Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we imagine we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.” – Wayne Dyer
Who am I?
What do I truly love and believe in?
What is my truth?
I’ve been on my self-discovery journey pretty heavily for a couple years now. I read the books, take the classes, do the work. But as I work to improve myself, I can’t forget the importance of understanding myself.
I have been called things in the past that I tried to argue against or make excuses for…
“perfectionist with high standards”
“way too nice and care way too much”
“type A planner”
“stubborn and inflexible”
“over emotional and easily affected”
But you know what, I can’t deny it. All those things are me. I’m not only those things, I’m all of those things.
I’m strong-willed and stubborn and yet I am super sensitive, take things way too personally and cry at the drop of a dime. I love my hippy crystals, energy work and essential oils and I also won’t leave the house without makeup and have my fair share of body-image issues. It’s the same way that I’m a very engaged, hands-on Mom, but happily leave the kids at home for a solo vacation with Chris.
And many of these qualities, ones that I thought were weaknesses, I now consider strengths. My type A planning personality has gotten me far in my career. I believe my sensitivity is a super power, I love how I can empathize and feel so much for people. I wouldn’t change these things.
And my interests aren’t mutually exclusive either.
In one day you might find me burning sage and listening to a grounding meditation, chasing my girls around the house pretending to be a tickle monster, and later taking tequila shots and dancing to 90s hip hop wearing overalls and a scrunchie. (And actually that might be my most favorite day in the world).
This summer I tried to do the whole no-schedule, go with the flow thing, and we did. I took the girls out of preschool and basically operated life one day at a time. It was crazy. It was what I wanted and yet it went against every natural part of me. So now I know, maybe schedules aren’t such a terrible thing to rebel against. Why reject certain parts of me or label them as bad when they’re all part of who I am?
As Ellie starts school next week, I find myself in the same old pattern of trying to figure out where I’m going to fit in. Am I going to be a PTO mom, volunteering for everything, or that Mom who is hands off and lets things just happen as they will? That mom who never lets her kid eat the school lunch because its not organic? Or who prefers to walk blocks to drop her child off rather than using the cone zone? That mom who speaks up about EMF concerns or plays it cool to not rock the boat?
Did I mention that I was also an overthinker? 😉
I’m learning that all these questions and worries don’t serve me. I will be who I will be, probably a combination of everything above. And that’s okay, as long as my come-from is true to me (and good for Ellie, in this example).
So yea, that’s what I’ve been working on lately. Understanding who I am and why. Owning who I am and not apologizing for it. Becoming my best self doesn’t always mean changing myself.
I had a million other things to do today but I was called to write this. Thanks for reading, and for being here.
And hey, the insecure part of me would love if you left a comment sharing if this resonates at all with you!